making clothes is going to be the business. and that graphic/contrast pocket tee is the hype. and the button up oxford denim L/S needs to die, i am feeling so uncool for not having one. and my collection of button ups need some new friends.
i should of joined a sewing class this semester. so i can occupy myself and make some money on the side.
the irony of is, i am arguing about how over parenting produces lame fucks like me.
can't really follow through assholes. and they become dependent on people. and they wont be an ounce of worth.
so its like the wall (dare i say his name?) god put to test me and show that i am not like the kids and their parents described in the short essay. (suck a dick C. W. Nevius)
im going to turn in my resume at this creamery because this one cute indian lady (tess) who works there implored me to.
bad thing is, she's the (floor) manager. i find her pretty damn alluring.
goal for the week,
finish first draft tomorrow morning.
turn in Resume at Spirit,(where ever), HumpSlo, and idk...that one pizza place?
i need to get a what do you call that thing, "an agenda" to stay on top of things.
gain an unconditional love for disco/twee-pop/and unrelenting love for music.
change my name to something with a zero witha slash through it.
make music.
site, Jens Lekman/Acid House Kings/Kings of Convenience/Whitest Boy Alive/(Auntie)Jill Karen Santos Recinto/Jay (omg i dont know my favorite uncle's middle name) Santos
the santos cousins who like arent total recluses, threw a party last night.
i made no connections at all, invited hella people, didnt drink beer, just shots and i still woke up with a mad ass headache the next morning.
unless you count this one girl i've only seen once before that night.
(i slobbered all over her face like a saint bernard, sorry nikki.)
i need a some mota-vation. but i've passing it up everytime i am offered a chance to smoke.
i how many friend have i made in the past year, that i can count on.
(what like three? Bryan, Remy & Justin?)
what point is there in continuing to live a purpose-less life?
why do i even play video games still?
according to my religious "beliefs" why would god let someone who just bandwagons on to anything to come to earth/life? i have no real aim to be anything or anyone, i just dream of that shit.
i dream of having important people as my friends, not sad delusions of relatives who hate what they do but keep doing it cause its the only thing they know.
i forget to add i joined the mob for the outside lands bum rush. and boy was it worth it. i wish i didnt leave though.
school school school. what is the point of me going? to get a Jay-Oh-Bee?
i dont find this bull shit worth it, i wish living a life was as "easy/filled with fortune" as the board game of life.
"wishes are the reason i do not try as hard."
there is just no pleasing me, words that come out of my mother's mouth. she already feels i am not doing anything to make myself better. well think about this, if my goddamned grandmother stopped telling me all the negative things my dad did, and say dont be like him. shit you know i am just going to turn around and be like him. i am my father's son, thats why my last name is rodriguez. (they probably should have gotten my name changed while i was young and didnt know any better, which is a thought that still runs through my head often)
and is really all my fault i have such bad study habits? i can easily remember not doing things on time since i was in 4th grade.
what did my dad do to even win my mother over? see, there's no positive reinforcement on anything that i found to be personally interesting, even my interest in music. it has faltered, it is gone, i just do these things because everyone else does it too. and also i am afraid of being phony. the fear itself has probably changed my whole persona to be a phony version of what i could truly be. i have no honor, i never loved my family. i hate everyone, there are no more reasons to keep a blog.
and its true, people dont remember the good that you did, if the bad is pretty memorable.
signed a dead soul,
who has nothing to live for.
nothing to give,
never thankful.
not a single damn given,
not a single care in the world.
"friend-less" awkward, no game,
shoplifter, alcoholic, chronic masturbator,
vain, selfish, blame-game.
guiltless, dishonest, absent minded.
the space between my ear is preoccupied with a leech.
i wish i had cancer so i can feel like everyone "loves" me.
i need some attention.
i've almost stuck in the knife i dont want to lose those nose-TALGIC posts.
my breath is coffee, i am not asleep.
imagine i dont go to work though?
,
my needs are too minimal and too great at the same time,
c6h12o, companionship, and a steady income for doing nothing (UO better fucking call me back)
and this brain needs some plastic surgery, and expansion of space and recall needs an update. my tastes are numb, my friends distant, & my family non existent (with the exception of los santos cousins.) maybe going on a mission wouldnt have been a bad idea. cause its just as bad as dying for your country. some thing i dont have or needed, a mind. because its been waste for a looooong time.
SNARKY. what does this mean? my favorite aunt has called me and used it quite often.
can i be gay? i feel like my life would be a lot more real if i was. i wouldnt have any trouble, my excuse for everything i did would b e okay i would move out. my immediate family (mom's side), they would disown automatically.
like expanded rar file, be less confusing, more smart, collegiate argyle, for miles and miles of pages read, like a million lives in fiction spent, dark as the night on a moonless night, aimless as a dandelion seed's flight, i'm gone so gone,
mindless is not free, trapped and broken, as a harnessed horse is, im lame, retarded
no idiot savant here,
pretending with pretense, brain farts filled with fear.
the queers the queers, some oozing with confidence, what does it take to get to that level?
i envy those with it so much, condemn them to hell,
nothing, (really there isnt a thing besides money i can bitch about)
i am just so Excite that coachella lineup for this year has been released.
i am definitely going,
i believe FlyLo is there again, tokimonsta, OFWGKTA is going to be there.
DFA1979!!!!
Mr. West has a repeat performance, and uhm idk. just so much to see, not so much stoke on teh warpaints since the album dropped, much to somber and melancholy for my liking.
but yeah.
APRIL, you will see me in Palm Springs, getting burnt as fuck, high as fuck, whatever it takes.
Real skateboards' video, Since Day One is about to hit the copier and the video is going to be out soon.
Skateboarding for almost 5 years, it makes me wonder,
do i skate because i love the feeling?
why does smoking weed and drinking and skate go together so well?
(another excuse to be trendy? always a dilemma with me)
are legitimate skateboarding brands ripping you off with the amount of money they are charging for their product?
are you a poser if you just like to roll around/ can't do a kickflip?
what about if you only like to rock big corpo skate brands?
(their quality is quite impeccable)
will dressing like a skate ever go out of style? along with skinnies?
aren't you a sell out if you become sponsored?
all these questions rarely pass my mind and were just thought of right now.
another thing that bothers me as of late.
living back in the bay area, wouldn't i run into my old elementary classmates and have them recognize me?
its not like a kept contact with any of them or really cared about those friendships i made at such an early time in my life.
i still wonder what they would like now and how they turned out after going to public school in the bay area.
shit is supposed to be rough out here.
my cousin even claims last year at a public middle school new his house, 9 kids were detained/suspended/whatever you do to minors, for possessing drugs.
now i don't know what kind of drugs they were, but oddly enough it doesn't bug me at all, i know public schools are supposed to be like that. but only in high school in less funded areas like Alameda County and South Central.
He goes to a private school, so i don't know what source he gets his knowledge from,
he's kinda sheltered and spoiled.
i'm just kinda glad i got to skate with homies and not get pressured into sparking a blunt, i didnt really feel like smoking at all.
ain't nobody got a zeal for life like these go-getters i know, i'm fucking fine being complacent with this place im in, low budget, life off of snacks stuck on these muni and bart tracks, not too far from where i am headed, the bus i ride on never becomes dead ended, stupid shit so soft, like a prosthetic titty, i am done with being smart, being human, being witty, just wanna curl up in a ball & die, not because, as i would say, no-one loves me,
its because people do, and i hate that shit,
they love a person who doesnt do anything, and when i mean anything i mean make him self into something, and when i mean something i mean be an average person with a degree, pays taxes, and is stable on his own two feet.
buys everything with own dough, from clothes & shoes to movies and shit he eats,
everyone does that,
i am living like this to be anti-trendy? but being anti-trendy is catch 22,
i read that off of the slap magazine forums,
filled a bunch for skateboarding 30 somethings, stuck at their computer screens, post-mortem,
an exquisite way of saying that's how they deal with boredom,
but i'm boring, i was born like that, so my speech repetitive, and reflexes sloth-like
the amount of self hate i have monolithic,
it's like mount Olympus of loathing,
the only time i like myself is when i'm with women in good clothing,
but shit like only happens with relatives,
so with strange girl, it's mostly just hoping,
miss an old lady, a distant relative, lola joving,
no i'm not joking,
it's like pronouncing HO-ving,
HOV of her family,
frail fragile anatomy,
i'm so redundant,
professors always mad at me,
the way i wreck ledges, i should charged for multiple batteries,
Of course fixated on a physical frame, Of a fine wide eyed, wild dame, But knew her? Not I, cause out of my bounds would I have never tried,
The closest I got was a childish minuet I thought was epic by homer's standards, But still, I knew her not
Always by the glow, of a flat screen I thought had depth,
Near borderline insane researching her to death,
What was it that simply got me into, her look, her personal brand, that she wore so valiantly.
Like lioness ready to pounce, but playful at that.
Succubus lips, would have wanted to kiss, knew not what they've done but heard the venomous spit,
Fair skinned, but never a fair maiden, Dark hair, never dark moods she exudes,
But a black rose she may be, Able to take a man's challenge, In one fell swoop you'll be down on one knee.
She's wise travel and relations with many, i dont think she was a way around girl. More than friends with plenty.
Of course one at a time!
But never in more than 9 seasons. Like an on and off sitcom, with nothing more to give.
And my latest astonishment, That since I hardly knew thee, Your ancestry of nips and flips To me, that's truly wholly, errotic, to mine own imagination
I want to start one in 2011 And if ya'll ever heard of hister runoff, I'll be asking stupid questions like,
What is a good example of a blog name? Does having an obscure saying make it more indie/underground? Are common sayings like don't cry ovr spilled milk still relevanxt? Are blogs themselves still relevant with all these live feed sites running rampant? Will we one day be connected to the internet via epidermal implants?
P.S. imso The Crystal Castles song "Not In Love" with Robert Smith vocals is soooo goood.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Always with the questions, first do I really friends? And what actions/ events constitute you as afriend?
Do I even care for my friends? I've never once texted someone once, out of actual longing for their companionship, for those I have I can count them out one on hand.
It's not a question of does anyone care for me, but am I willing to be vulnerable enough to put my name out on a line to see who will tug.
Yes, I relate win those godawful "forever alone" memes, because they are haunting visions of what my life COULD e if I was like Chandler Bing. Class clowns who are in the weird clubs, I was only an entertainer during my high school years, they go nowhere if hey do not pursue that feeling of being laughed WITH. And I know all "artists" have some issues, that's why they pour it out for all to see. I have no to entertain, Two: what good is telling a joke that no one understands? Those reblog humor whores on tumblr are all lonely people with no substance, they people who post about drugs, are really poor people who wish they could be that carefree, given a few exceptions, and lastly those lustful pictures of errotica & DO NOT GIVE A FUCKs are sad lonely saps with no game. Shit and all the fuck yeahs flaming allegiance to a certain thing, get over yourself. Not even 5 five years from now will you be liking those very same things. only pets, Trekkies, and star wars nerds are that loyal.
Good god, I need to get laid, some good weed, and to get to get tucked in & fucked up. And a cigarette doesn't sound too bad right now.
P.s. Aldrich I miss you, I miss your voice, your scent, your dog, and your uncanny ability to pull punny jokes of of your ass. Theresa I miss your sassyness, your "whoyoucallinbitch?!" attitude, and of course your adorable little feet. Ryan, where's my fat lazy nigga ass lookin counterpart? Your suck at halo reach, I just know it. Jaime hood nigga entrepeneur! Where a real Mexican when you need one? Btw my sink's on the fritz bro, can your dad fix it? Reuben, can't hate a nigga for being everywhere and nowhere atthe same time. Where else would I be on the cool guy spectrometer, with out you as my epitome for a stark comparison of steez errick, WTF nigga you need to stop updating the channel 9 blog as soon as you post something of yours. I hate seeing double, unless they is titties!!! And when is Psylent bassment Finna be uploaded? Idghtfiagsts,(I don't get how the fuck I ain't gonna see this shit) especially since you want the troll and I to be at part deux. Btw I Miss you carving hills and shit. It's always cool when someone gets hurt. Danny beezy, need I say anything more? You best be futurebabe watching while, I'm out chillin at playgrounds ;) Sophia, like whattup? You seriously gonna be the only person i know finished with school before the world ends? Kiko, damn, coachella still gonna happen? RE: Brandon life finna be trill once the cake finish baking.
