life life life

my favorite cousin is moving away,

we arent even that close. i am sad.

the santos cousins who like arent total recluses, threw a party last night.

i made no connections at all, invited hella people, didnt drink beer, just shots and i still woke up with a mad ass headache the next morning.

unless you count this one girl i've only seen once before that night.

(i slobbered all over her face like a saint bernard, sorry nikki.)
i need a some mota-vation. but i've passing it up everytime i am offered a chance to smoke.

i how many friend have i made in the past year, that i can count on.

(what like three? Bryan, Remy & Justin?)

what point is there in continuing to live a purpose-less life?

why do i even play video games still?

according to my religious "beliefs" why would god let someone who just bandwagons on to anything to come to earth/life? i have no real aim to be anything or anyone, i just dream of that shit.

i dream of having important people as my friends, not sad delusions of relatives who hate what they do but keep doing it cause its the only thing they know.

i forget to add i joined the mob for the outside lands bum rush. and boy was it worth it. i wish i didnt leave though.

school school school. what is the point of me going? to get a Jay-Oh-Bee?

i dont find this bull shit worth it, i wish living a life was as "easy/filled with fortune" as the board game of life.

"wishes are the reason i do not try as hard."

there is just no pleasing me, words that come out of my mother's mouth. she already feels i am not doing anything to make myself better. well think about this, if my goddamned grandmother stopped telling me all the negative things my dad did, and say dont be like him. shit you know i am just going to turn around and be like him. i am my father's son, thats why my last name is rodriguez. (they probably should have gotten my name changed while i was young and didnt know any better, which is a thought that still runs through my head often)

and is really all my fault i have such bad study habits? i can easily remember not doing things on time since i was in 4th grade.

what did my dad do to even win my mother over? see, there's no positive reinforcement on anything that i found to be personally interesting, even my interest in music. it has faltered, it is gone, i just do these things because everyone else does it too. and also i am afraid of being phony. the fear itself has probably changed my whole persona to be a phony version of what i could truly be. i have no honor, i never loved my family. i hate everyone, there are no more reasons to keep a blog.

and its true, people dont remember the good that you did, if the bad is pretty memorable.

signed a dead soul,
who has nothing to live for.
nothing to give,
never thankful.
not a single damn given,

not a single care in the world.

"friend-less" awkward, no game,
shoplifter, alcoholic, chronic masturbator,
vain, selfish, blame-game.
guiltless, dishonest, absent minded.
the space between my ear is preoccupied with a leech.
i wish i had cancer so i can feel like everyone "loves" me.
i need some attention.